Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Day 5: On the brink of crying all the time
October 10th, 2010 at 17:10 my grandfather was announced dead.
between the hours of 15:00 - !7:00, i kept telling myself, 'No news is good news.' little did i expect the news to come 20 minutes later.
in the morning of that Sunday, before i left home, i whispered into his ear where i was going. the last thing i said to him was, 'bye bye, ah gong.' and that is how ironic it is, he passed away that evening. i realised instantly that i should have held my mouth. sad but true, i bade him farewell.
29th September, he went to the hospital early in the morning. his ribs were aching so badly he couldn't take it anymore. little did he (or we) expect that that was the last day he left the house on feet.
that evening i brought him the usual stuff he'd always have with him while in the hospital. i bought burger king for myself and offered him my onion rings. he took one, and liked it, and took another one. yet, that was the last time i can offer him my meals.
3rd October 2010, i missed him terribly and dropped him a visit. the sight of him devastated me. he was so different only 4 days ago. he couldn't get up by himself anymore, or to eat. his body looked swollen, he was sleepy. at the sight of him i cried. i couldn't accept that the man who once walloped me so badly would look like that.
5th October 2010, i went to visit him again at night. He was on oxygen aid, and having a blood transfusion. lack of blood and oxygen they say. it didn't look good. and he was still unconscious. i cried, felt so helpless.
6th October 2010, i went again. only a night and the hand that the needle poked in for the blood transfusion was bandaged. the skin surrounding it was bruised, it was painful for him. his swell still hasn't subsided. it was heart aching.
that very night, the house telephone kept ringing. one last call from my cousin was, 'Be mentally prepared.' he woke up before that call, ah gong said he wanted to go home and see my eldest cousin. he gathered all his strength to say that. we all know it was no good news.
7th October 2010, the doctor said his condition had slight improvement. i agree with that. he responded to what we were saying, and the last time i called out to him on that day, he instantly moved his head over to the side and opened his eyes to look at me. that particular moment i'll never forget. that was the last time he responded to me.
now i figured out why that very day he was better: because my cousin was on the plane back. she was the last person he wanted to see. and true as it is, the next day his condition worsened.
8th October 2010, we brought him home. he wasn't like the day before, he was totally unconscious. i whispered to his ear late at night, promising and asking him of things when he wakes up.. but he never did.
9th October 2010, a doctor came to give a jab. What he said was if after the jab he wakes up, then he was on his way to recovery. but all he did was to open his eyes momentarily, and shut it again. he ran a fever that afternoon.
12th October 2010, i ran through his medical file. there was this information slip that stated, 'Symptoms shown when one is dying.' true as it is, the symptoms my grandfather showed tallied. the fever, the sleepiness, the gasping of air, the irregular heart beats and breathing.. if only i knew earlier.
when my grandma visited ah gong at the hospital the next day he said he wanted to go home, ah ma could still joke about it. that he was gonna die that was why he wanted to go home. we all thought she was calm and composed about the whole situation. but little did we know she was only putting up an act. my ah gong's death didn't do her good, she cried every day since, morning, afternoon and night. it hurts me so badly to deal with the loss and ah ma's emotions.
i would convince myself out of this that it's a natural cycle people die. but for ah gong's case he didn't die of old age, it was cancer, prostate cancer, and an infection that cost him his life.
His face was still glowing with radiant on Sunday, 10th October 2010. He could be in a pink of health till an even older age. He could still scream at me when i come home late at night. He could be..Thank you, Ah Gong, for raising me up since i was a baby. Thank you for teaching me what's right and wrong. I'm sorry for disobeying you since young. I'll take good care of Ah Ma. Rest in peace. I love you a lot.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
i don't know if you're not gonna reply or if you're gonna take a long time to reply.
if it's the case of the latter, i guess i know the reason behind it.
but hey, don't think too much. i'm looking at you as someone whom i want to befriend again. so, please?
Monday, August 02, 2010
hello. happy belated birthday to you. this year i didn't attempt to ring you unlike last year. prolly it's because i'm afraid to know that you've alr changed your number, or that you've forgotten about me long time ago. whatever it is, it's neither love nor infatuation that i'm harboring for you. it has been long since our short affair but the thought of you still makes me go quiet and blank all the time. and it's sad that i can't remember how you look like anymore. so much for my feelings towards you, but even if i were to see you on the streets one day i doubt i can recognise you. i desperately want to recall how you look like...
Friday, July 23, 2010
anxiety, excitement, infatuation. confusion.
my heart is in a mess right now. very much i think it's the usual infatuation with a person. but this time i'm very particular about how this man sees me.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
不， 那不是色， 那是爱。
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
i held tight once
i thought i lost you somewhere
but now with a clear head
i realised you weren't even really there before.
Friday, April 23, 2010
experiencing certain issues makes me feel more and more like all is a game
like you go into it, have some fun, ur HP dwindles yet the XP increases, then, for some reason, you run out of aid or even forget to aid yourself, and you die. after which you enter into it once more, prolly with higher XP so you are, technically, more powerful, but sometimes it just happens again and u die once more.
it's only an epic fail when emotions run wild
when rationality is overpowered by heartaches
when escape and denial seem appealing.
and yehh, i failed.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
i do want things to be better for myself.
cannot get involve in cheeky affairs with facebook so hot
Sunday, February 14, 2010
an immature romantic looking for escape and adventure
Thursday, January 14, 2010
it's not quite bright ahead
or should i say it's very dark
like a blind man
just don't see anything but pitch darkness
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
09 was so not me
down and despaired
09 can totally be nullified.
prolly the best way to forget someone is to meet someone new
and for me it just means making out.
perhaps a slut
and not like i've got awesome looks and a drop-dead body figure
yet so what still
don't deny the physical needs
living in denial is pathetic
it's just outright wasting life
what's with being so reserved
never know what's nice and enjoyable before trying
know the limits tho
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
爱一个人多久， 就需要多久的时间去忘记他：怎么那短短两个月的恋情， 一年后还是忘不了?
sad but true, i'm losing my confidence.
where did it all flock to
can it find its way backoh yeh, back to my side you will.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
they mentioned his name in front of me twice.
i wonder if he told them what happened between us
of the short interaction we had
and the little sweet nothings i was trying to get across to him on that day
it mayb weird for a stranger to do that
but then again i was too thrilled to think straight
i was so much caught up with the way he looked
how much his eyes were making me mesmerized with him
it was impossible to take my eyes off him then
and i still remember vividly till today how we were lookin at each other
he may have forgotten about me
but perhaps not too
i don't know
more often than not
the image of him reappears in my mind
and when it does
i'll start going to his dead blog
then i realised,
the #1 on his hate-list is: bitches
was that the reason why he left?
did he think that i was one?
that man has yet to answeri'd retrace my stepsto know where i went wrongi want him to look into my eyes againso that i'd tell him he had the entire wrong idea of methere was this time i failed to meet him ('coincidentally')then again every possible chance to see him againi'd be thereplease turn up on that dayi want to meet you againlet us start all overwe will do it better this time round
Sunday, November 08, 2009
yearning for the day someone would come and chase my blues away
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
fuck la no comma no full stop how to type
sometimes I sit down alone
thinking of the day that had passed and the things that had been said or done
sometimes I think more than what had happened during the day
like yesterday or beyond
while thinking of all these
emotions often boil
'why did i say that?'
'why did i behave this way?'
that's what i've always been thinking at night
i may be blunt
i may be crude
but i fret losing
some things that had been done cannot be undone
especially when the words had pierced thru you
i understand that kind of pain as well
but all of it wasn't on purpose
please, can you be stronger; to take things easier and try again?
it may turn out different (better) this time round
i promisei'm sorry.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Please do, if you will, wish me a happy birthday on your birthday.